Typically, a branch president doesn't ask a visiting high councillor to speak on a topic like gossip unless there is an issue in the branch. I.e., somebody has been gossiping. When I said this to the congregation I then asked:
Are you looking to see who it is?
Even out of the corner of your eye?
Or perhaps you think you already know.
Then I added, that’s how it works. That’s how you find out who the gossiper is: The gossiper is the person who thinks that it is someone else.
A dictionary definition of "gossip" is this:
Rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature. Trivial or chatty talk or writing. A person who habitually spreads intimate or private rumors or facts. |
Based on the last part of that definition, it's clear that something doesn’t cease to be gossip just because it’s true. In any event, let’s go deeper and beyond what the dictionary says. Gossip is not a disease – it is a symptom and a carrier of a much worse condition. Here’s what it’s really about:
(1) Gossip is all about judging others; (2) It’s about being ungenerous about other people’s faults or quirks & disrespectful of their privacy and reputations; (3) It’s about thinking that you are better than the other person; (4) It’s about looking out the window instead of in the mirror; and you know what they say about people who live in glass houses… |
In short, gossip is about
overactive pride,
underactive love &
a lack of appropriate
self-reflection.
Harking back to glass houses , have you ever thought that not only is it the case that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones but that, in fact, because they live in a glass house, everyone else can see what they’re up to? The stone thrower often thinks that he or she is safe in judging and accusing others because his or her own faults are hidden; but the truth is, they are usually just as visible as anyone else’s, and, in fact, the stone throwing activity itself throws a brilliant light on exactly what is wrong at the core of that person’s personality.
If we are gossiping, whose example are we following?
Helaman 16:22, in the Book of Mormon, tells us, Satan spreads rumours and contentions.
If we are gossiping, whose commandments are we ignoring?
In Doctrine and Covenants 42:27, 88:124 and 136:24, the Lord tells us, respectively, not to speak evil about one another, not to find fault, and instead to speak words by which others are edified.
These statements begin to shed light on how gossip is really all about love and integrity.
If we love one another,
we won’t try to hurt one another by spreading gossip,
by telling one another’s stories out of turn,
by either sharing or believing rumours
that could hurt either feelings or reputations.
And if we love God, we will strive to love one another.
So we can’t with integrity sit comfortably in church claiming to love our God, and partake of the Sacrament and pay our tithes and carry out our callings and say our prayers all to demonstrate that love, if at the same time we are deliberately and carelessly seeking to hurt any other person through unkind words or spreading rumours, whether or not we believe the information we are sharing is true or false.
We demonstrate our love for God by
demonstrating our love for one another.
Also, the fact is, that every one of us is a worthy subject of gossip. Every one of us does something wrong, something silly, something embarrassing, something we would rather be able to put in a paper bag and hide in the trash till it’s taken away and forgotten.
The last thing any one of us would appreciate is someone taking our faults or errors and making public notice of them, talking about them just to ensure our character is demeaned to others. Worse still is when the thing that’s being gossiped about isn’t an error as such, but just a quirk of personality, the way we speak, the way we dress, the shape of our nose or hair or eyebrows, our height, our income, our job, our family, or the myriad of other things that are either highly unchangeable or at least highly personal, and not really the kinds of things by which others should be judging us.
That kind of gossip is an awful thing.
That kind of gossip doesn’t merely harm our reputations;
it attacks the very value of our existence.
Gossip could happen to any one of us. We all have something about us that could be the subject of juicy tales, tawdry whispers or secret snickering. So how in the world can we with integrity do it to others?
We all live in glass houses. The frameworks of our self images are fragile, no matter who we are.
Oh, some seek to put in tempered glass, but for the most part
people just paint
fake walls on the windows of their souls,
pretending to themselves or to others or both
that nothing can penetrate or hurt them.
That might help stop people from breaking your glass house by throwing stones in; but it doesn’t stop your house from breaking
when you try to throw stones out.
Covering up your awareness of your own fragility and imperfection so that you can feel okay about judging and demeaning others is the height of hypocrisy and essential evidence of a lack of integrity.
And it gets worse. The Apostle James tells us that
“a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.”
And in the Doctrine and Covenants we are told that the impact of covering our sins is simply to shield ourselves from the influence of the Spirit and understanding from God. So how can any person who judges and speaks unkindly of others hope to hear clearly words of peace, love and testimony from God? It would be very difficult.
So, gossip – far from being just a social problem about being too chatty about someone else’s
personal things – is at its core a symptom of a condition of a loveless and proud personality that is closing the doors on communion with God and others.
The fact is, we probably all gossip sometimes. It’s very hard not to. It’s part of our carnal nature… you know, the natural man that is the enemy of God. (cf. Mosiah 3:19.)
None of us loves perfectly. None of us even lives perfectly, and living comes far more easily than loving.
So what do we do, we sinners?
Do we simply apply all our will power and efforts to strive to stop gossiping? Will this solve the problem, or will it only eliminate a symptom?
So often, when we strive to “not do” something, we only obtain one of two results –
we either make ourselves think about the thing so much that we only end up doing it again,
till eventually we give up on ever being able to win the battle;
or we may win the battle, but forget it is only part of a larger war – we eliminate that one symptom,
but fail to address and overcome the disease,
allowing it ultimately to manifest itself
in some other way.
Symptoms are warning signs of deeper rooted issues. If we attack the deeper issue head on, rather than its symptoms, we may eliminate both it and all of its symptoms.
So perhaps the answer is not to think about gossip itself at all; but to think about what causes it – such as pride and lack of love – and then to consider what we can do about that.
So, what do we do, we sinners?
I can’ tell you all the ways each of us might need to address pride and a lack of love in our own lives. We are each different, and the remedies will also differ. However, one aspect of the remedy for every person is always the same:
Look to God and live.
You may remember the story of Moses holding up the brass serpent in the wilderness, when all that the Israelites had to do was to look at the brass serpent and they would be cured of the poisonous bites they had received. You may also remember that the scriptures further explain that the underlying meaning of this story is that we too should simply look to God – in particular, look to our Saviour Christ – and live?
God is a god of love, mercy and tenderness. In his book, Meek and Lowly, the late Elder Neal A. Maxwell describes how the Lord mercifully makes opportunities available for even the hardest of hearts to feel the influence of his kind commandments and compassionate desires for our happiness both now and in eternity.
Our task is to turn to Him.
One of my personal heroes, Joe Strummer, in a song about one of his personal heroes, Johnny Cash, sang,
“you don’t face your demons down –
you gotta grapple ‘em Jack, and pin ‘em to the ground,”
but the truth is that this is not always possible. We are not stronger than every demon that besets us. Fortunately, we don’t have to wrestle our weaknesses alone.
In the epistle of Jude we read that “Michael the archangel, when contending with the devil…durst not bring against him a railing accusation, but said, The Lord rebuke thee.” Likewise, we too are to rely upon the arm of the Lord, the merits of Jesus Christ (who ought to be everyone’s number one personal hero), as well as the tender mercies of a loving Heavenly Father and the kind commandments and directions they have given us, not only to avoid the wrongs that do so easily beset us, but to do in their places those things that are right which we so regularly forget.
In this regard, we should recall how Mormon tells us how we can acquire the kind of humility and love that overcome the desire and tendency to gossip. He says,
The remission of sins bringeth meekness, and lowliness of heart; and because of meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which filleth with hope and perfect love, which love endureth by diligence unto prayer, until the end shall come, when all the saints shall dwell with God. |
turn in faith to the Lord Jesus Christ,
repent and receive His grace,
accept with understanding that He has borne all your sins,
that He has power to save you in all your circumstances,
and
that you may be enabled by Him to do better each and every day, to thereby be humble and broken hearted and to receive his Spirit, by virtue of which you will be filled with perfect love.
Every subject spoken of in the Gospel, comes down to this. I encourage each of us to seek daily how we might more perfectly trust in our Saviour Jesus Christ. I believe that as we do, we will, day by day, more and more, receive His enabling grace to ultimately overcome every evil, weakness or error that exists in our lives, whether gossip or any other bad habit or issue that afflicts us.