At least, that is how it is for me. I have more failures than successes where family is concerned; more cause, often, to repent than to rejoice. My observation is that this might be true for many people.
So why do we talk about the ideals only?
Why don’t we come down to a more common denominator, and talk
only about the “okays” or the “tolerables” or even the “token efforts”?
I believe the answer to that is:
because that is what the Church is for. |
The Church is not there to comfort us in the superficial ways of the world, by patting us on the head and saying “everything’s alright”. No, the Church reminds us that many things are not alright, but comforts us with the deep, abiding and substantial truth that everything can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ and all the principles of the gospel that rest upon it.
So, today's entry speaks about ideals; and, in the process, I am sure many, like me, will identify our shortcomings, and that is alright. Every shortcoming seen, every weakness unveiled, is the doorway to salvation through the grace of Jesus Christ.
“Husbands, love your wives,” |
“even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it, That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself.” |
In fact, doesn’t it always seem that the most precious gospel truths are wrapped so well – perhaps because they are so fragile – that it takes time and care to uncover them? These statements of Paul’s are just such a precious gift.
Often, when we men read Paul’s statements here about how husbands should love their wives, we want to read them in the context of also considering his statements that wives should submit themselves to their husbands and that children must obey their parents, as if we rely on those comparisons to soften the impact Paul’s instruction should have for us; but instead, though part of the overall context of Paul's injunction, let’s ignore those statements.
Of course, context matters; but there are things greater and more important than context. Whether I am a good husband or not, is not dependent on whether or how my wife submits to me, or even what that means; just as whether I am a good father or not is not dependent on my children’s obedience. Likewise, by way of example, whether I am a good lawyer or not is not dependent on whether my clients actually listen to my advice, and whether I am a good home teacher or not is not dependent on whether my families let me visit them.
What makes me good at what I have to do in this life is the diligence, care, devotion, love, concern,
activity, involvement, attention, focus, and so forth,
that I give to it.
So, husbands and future husbands, let’s do some unpacking and see what it is that Paul expect us to care about and diligently do.
Paul says, as noted above, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ so loved the Church.” In his letter to the Colossians, he also says, “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” I think these are related statements. They are related not just because of their opening lines, but because of what follows them.
Christ loves the Church with a love that contains no bitterness. It is neither bitter for us, in that His love is sweet, gentle, patient and kind; nor is it bitter for Him, in that He forgives us in everything, even before we have done it. Therefore he says, of the scent of sacrifices in the Old Testament, it is a “sweet savour” to Him; for the bitterness of sin is eliminated by the grace of the Atonement He performed.
This grace is given to us even before we return any goodness or love or obedience to Him – the giving of the gift is not dependent on anything we might do; it is only our full enjoyment of it that is dependent on our actions.
Think of these points:
When Jesus elected to be our Saviour in the pre-existence,
when He carried out the role of Jehovah to the children of Abraham,
and when He came into the world, pursued a life of ministry and miracles, and ultimately when
He took upon Himself all of our sins and deficiencies in Calvary and on the cross,
He loved us first, before we loved Him. He loved us before we even knew who He was or what He would do.
He forgave us first, before we even knew that we had need to repent. He puts the onus on Himself to reach out to us, not choosing only to respond to what we might or might not do.
So should we husbands love our wives, giving them our love before we receive any sign of theirs, and even without any desire for a reward.
Of course, we are mere men. We hope that our wives will love us too. But to love her as Christ loves us is to love her first, even before her love for us is either known or expressed.
Paul also says we should love our wives as Christ did by giving himself for us.
What did Christ do in giving himself for us? Does this mean we should die for our wives? Well, it could mean that. I won’t deny it. I would die for my wife. But it should also mean we must live for them. Our wives deserve our devotion. They deserve that we should put our selfishness, our pride and our vanity on the altar for them, even as Christ suffered humiliations and injury to make us whole.
In the course of his life, Christ sacrificed many personal pleasures and comforts to serve us. He told one that he had no place to rest his head; yet daily he ministered to the needs and comforts of others. So we should seek to support and give comfort to our wives before seeking that for ourselves.
And even before His ministry, Christ spent years preparing himself for it. Likewise, boys and young men, planning to be married one day, should prepare themselves diligently by being kind to your mothers and respectful to the girls and young women around you, and by developing the skills, talents, sensitivity and understanding that will help you succeed in the roles of husband and father.
Paul also says that the purpose of Christ’s devotion to the Church is to sanctify it and make it clean ("holy and without blemish"). This is a tall seeming order. It suggests that our love for our wives is to cleanse them and make them holy.
Frankly, if they do not already seem holy to us, it is likely we are missing something.
Our wives are blessed of God; and if they do not feel it, if they do not know it, then it behooves us to help them see it by the way that we treat and reverence them.
As mentioned earlier, we are referencing ideals. We know our wives are only human, like us. They are imperfect, like us. They will make mistakes, like us. They will be petty, foolish, proud and even sinful, like us. They will do all the same wrong things that we do or could do. Their actions my hurt and disappoint us. But Christ knows that about us too. And yet he died to make us holy and to cleanse us from our sins.
We men cannot cleanse our wives from sin. Only Christ can do that. But we can help our wives to have and maintain their faith in Christ so that they can be cleansed from sin by Him. We can pray for them. And we can be faithful ourselves, make and keep the sacred covenants of baptism, the Sacrament and the temple, be honourable holders of priesthood authority, offer blessings, study the gospel to be able to live it, teach it and share true testimonies of it. In all these ways, we can strengthen our wives’ faith and help ensure their salvation.
In addition, when they offend us, we can also forgive our wives freely, even as Christ forgives us and them, so that in our eyes they are "without blemish", as Paul says.
If , on the other hand, we hold a grudge, if we want to “get back” at our wives for any misspoken word or misdeed, if we intend to hurt her because she hurt us, or to dishonour any covenant or promise simply because she has seemed to let us down, we do not love her as Christ loves us.
In fact, if we do those things, we also do not even love Christ.
By virtue of the Atonement which He performed, in which He took upon himself the sins of every person, bearing our stripes and iniquities, Jesus Christ stands between you and me, and between every husband and wife, as the One who bears the consequences of all our wrongdoing toward one another.
As soon as a deed is done by any person, Jesus stands in the way and implores us to forgive, reminding us that He has paid the price so that we might have peace and progress.
Therefore, to the husband who considers himself a faithful Christian, take heed:
If you yell at your wife in anger,
you are yelling at Jesus;
if you raise your hand in threat or actual violence,
it is Jesus you strike;
if you call her names, tease, insult or demean her in any way,
it is Him you are putting down.
He feels her sorrow, and bears her tears as if they are His own. As Thomas S. Monson reminded us in a 1990 address:
“Men, take care not to make women weep,
for God counts their tears.”
If husbands are to be faithful to Christ, we must also be, not only kind and gentle, but forgiving toward our wives, so that she will seem, and in fact will be, truly spotless – sinless – to us.
Finally, Paul says to love your wife as yourself; and that, in fact, to love your wife is to love yourself.
Our motive, of course, should never be to love anyone solely for the reward it brings to us; but, old fashioned as it might sound to say it, in my experience, there appears to be no love so tender and pure as the love of a wife for her husband; particularly the love of a wife who knows she is loved, who knows she is cared for, who knows she is forgiven, and who knows that in her husband’s eyes she is holy.
It is difficult to imagine that there is any man alive, or ever will be, to whom such a love would not be desirable. And there is yet a greater blessing than this.
As Paul reminds us in another letter: neither is the man without the woman nor the woman without the man in the Lord.
As Latter-day Saints, we have been blessed by latter-day revelation to assign profound meaning to these words: that, in fact,
men and women who seal their marriages by temple covenant
and who seek to love one another as Christ has loved them,
may be blessed with that sealing which comes only by the Holy Spirit of Promise whereby their love and marriage will be made to persist throughout eternity.
Each man should so love his wife so that she may become his companion throughout eternity, his equal partner in an eternal kingdom, where both the husband and the wife will be equally blessed to fulfill all the potential that exists in human nature, to be, in fact, like our Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother, to know as they know and to love as they love and to join in the creative and perfect life that is God's eternal work and happiness.
This blessing cannot be accomplished or obtained by any person on his or her own, but is only given to those men and women who seek to abide as couples by the principles of celestial marriage, which, ultimately, are precisely what the Apostle Paul was writing about.
It is also fair to note that these principles and promises are not reserved solely for the already married. Amongst us are men and women who might never marry in this life, or whose marriages have failed.
Paul’s words have relevance for every single person since, as noted above, Christ loved us before we ever committed to love or serve Him.
Christ’s atonement took place before any of us even came to earth, let alone were baptized or sought to know and receive His grace. In other words, speaking symbolically and in Paul's terms, Christ loved His wife, the Church, before they ever met or were married.
So too can each unmarried boy and man love his future wife even now, by preparing himself to be a man whose love is pure, who heart is good and kind, whose demeanour is gentle, as a husband should be. While those of us who are already married should seek by the grace of God to be able to truly love our wives as Christ loves us, that together each couple may be worthy to enter God’s kingdom and be blessed so that the love we nurture in this life will continue and improve throughout eternity, those yet unmarried also should seek by His grace to live in accordance with the principles of love, honour and integrity in order to be well prepared for that day he meets her with whom his love can eternally be shared.*
Ultimately, it is a doctrine of the restored gospel that pure and righteous love between a husband and wife is not merely an emblem of Christ's love, but is the foundation for the eternal love, and eternal lives, of those who embrace it.
*(On the topic of promises to the faithful single members of the Church, see here, here and here.)